A friend of mine died last week. He had cancer.
I KNEW he was sick. I talked to him in May when he first found out about it. He said he was going to beat it. He said this cancer wasn't going to win. I believed him. I wanted to believe him. It made my life easier if I believed him. People beat cancer all the time these days. I kept telling myself, "I'll call him soon" or "I should send him an e-mail today" but then I never did it - I just kept putting it off.
It used to be when I felt bad I could go to my mom, put my head on her shoulder and share whatever ailed me. More often than not if I were in tears, she would join me. Somehow that helped. If she didn't cry along side me, she offered excellent advise, or on occasion, a swift kick in the backside.
I had avoided telling Mom that my friend passed away - I don't think I even told her he had cancer. She liked him a lot. They were both from Missouri. I never, ever talked with him that he didn't ask about her. I finally told her yesterday because I was making arrangement to go to the funeral. It really didn't register with her. She just shrugged her shoulders.
I'm also ashamed to admit I avoided the funeral today. I wanted to go. I intended to go. I just couldn't.
Gosh I suck.
For what my opinion is worth, you don't suck. The reality in your life is that it is overly full of responsibility and it's okay to acknowledge this truth and give yourself a break on not going to a funeral that would have taken even more energy from you. You will still hold your friend within your heart and no respect is lost by you not attending. Try to be kind to yourself, k?
ReplyDeleteI assiduously avoid funerals at the moment myself. I don't think I can handle the emotions that are stirred up by them, especially, the overwhelming sadness they induce in me. If you had no stresses in your life at the moment, perhaps you might be slightly remiss, there are no circumstances in which your self evaluation would hold any validity. Allow yourself the freedom to do those things which are necessary, and don't burden yourself with regrets.
ReplyDeleteYou don't suck. Death and dying hits everyone differently depending upon where they are in their lives. You have more than enough on your plate.
ReplyDeleteThe video you posted a couple of days ago tells the story. I haven't seen your mom in 30 years, but I could still recognize her even though she's three decades older and suffering from a disease that is stealing her mind. For you, this has got to be hell because a lot her is still there.
I'm sorry you lost your friend, but you're being too hard on yourself about how you reacted to his illness and death. Believe me, he, if anyone, would have understood. Focus your available energy on your kids and Peter. And don't forget yourself.