I received the following tale via e-mail this morning. Any resemblance to any one I've spoken of in this blog previously is purely coincidental. I laughed so hard I cried:
(This story is based upon a real, true life, honest event.)
(Names have been changed, and appearances altered to protect individuals' anonymity.)
George was educated. He even had went to college. But George had a problem.
George had got himself a cat. And because George was irresponsible, (his best friend says this is so, even) he had now several cats. The biggest part of the problem was the fact that his cats were two different genders. And because they were two genders, they were multiplying. This inspite of the fact that he thought he had prevented this by re-establishing segregation. The boy cats were put up in the old chicken house, and the girl cats were living in the greenhouse, which was nicely furbished for them with a dirt floor also.
But one of the girl cats busted herself and her mother cat, who was all grew up, out of their accomodations one night. And because there were also neighborhood boy cats around, both of them got kittens. Eight kittens to be exact, altogether.
And then there was the mis-understanding with his mother. When the third girl-cat "Sunshine" was singing like she was auditioning for the evening choir, his mother repeatedly kept puttin' the boycats in with Sunshine in the house where she'd been segregated to. She just doesn't seem to understand so good sometimes, George thinks. And he got to where he decided the segregating wasn't worth it, or working too good so he gave up on it. So Sunshine, she got kittens too!
Now when the first eight kittens was got rid of (nicely kind of, not drowning like, but givin' 'em away like) there was hard feelings raised between the big mama cat "Dog", and the little jail breaker "Fearful". They turned to fighting and hissing and big trouble. The that was solved by Dog starting to live with George again and Fearful staying with Sunshine and her kids.
But Dog loved singing, and also peeing on George's stuff and shoes and things. So George was caught on the horns of a big big dilemma. But he heard he could get it all better by taking all his cats to this place that repairs them for their people.
And because he wasn't hardly getting to sleep with all the carryin' ons. He decided it was time for some of them plastic surgery repair jobs.
So he rounded up pet taxis for them one morning. Little plastic boxes you can put them in and lock 'em up and cart them about the countryside. And he didn't take Sunshine the light blond girl cat 'cause she was still milkin' for her little uns, but he loaded up the little white Moonlight, and the orange Fearful, with the brown boy cats Yawll and Tom Thumb, not together but in their own boxes separate. And he didn't take his Mom who wanted to go along and it turns out she was lucking not to go along anyways.
Because when he started driving his buggy with the cats all in it, Yawll began to howl, howling at the top of his lungs, which is very loud.
Then there began to be sweetish smell pervading the car. George presumed someone had decided that it was time to urinate in their personal, private, plastic pet taxi. This was somewhat uncomfortable making, knowing there was active peeing being done in his personal vehicle. BUT, and what a but, it was but a subtle harbinger of what was to come. There arose a smell, soon after, an evil smell, a stench with a slightly nauseating character, someone had taken it upon themself to defecate. To defecate in his car, in their taxi.
Windows must be open. Open them quickly! But not too far, because too much breeze invigorates the howling. Horrible howling, like cats are being murdered slowly and painfully. Punctuated by contributions from Fearful, slightly lower pitched, less intense, more shrill. And what must the fellow drivers think of this howling shrieking car presumably surmounted by an evil smelling, dark cloud of pestilential fuming? Better to close the windows again, and suffer in solitude.
The village of Hamingbell is reached and the Autobahn is finally available. Windows are opened periodically and closed again. Howling continues unabated. Speed is increased, they speed onward. Curious, the driver thinks, no one has summoned the authorities to investigate this torturous travelling show.
Fearful, finds it best to travel on her back, at times flailing wildly with her claws outstretched through her front door. George is beginning to lose his grip on sanity.The sound. The stench. The memories of clawings and bitings past, injuries inflicted by the noisy pair. Ah, the Gaskit river. Maybe to submerse the taxi of Yawll in the Chappaquidic. To end the noise. Who should this cat be forced upon. Yes he looks pretty, he acts warmly, but his malfeasances, they are hard to bear.
But refuge is getting nearer, so George regains his grip with sanity. They pass dR dribratS, they pass Noah and the ark they seek. They take the prescribed sideroad and park on the lot. George leaves the windows open and enters the clinic. The nice lady with the odd face asks if he has come to pick up his cat. He says, "No, I have some cats that need repairs." The assistant, states, "We don't take surrenders." George considers telling them, "Well then I shall go out on the parking lot and shoot them." but thinks better of it. (He was thinking that would make them accept them after all.)
Rather he informs them that they are his cats which he has brought for repairs. The Oddish Face says "You need an appointment." George asks if he may drop them off right now as they are in the car. Assistant "We don't House." George "How do I get an appointment?" O. F. "You need to go to the main entrance."
George leaves with a nice thank-you and walks around to the main entrance. The receptionist sits behind the desk, speaking on the phone. George waits at the desk, bright sunlight shining directly in his eyes, he soon sees nothing and feels as though he is at an interrogation. He intelligently moves off to the side where he can again see. He now perceives that this woman has an even odder face tha receptionist number one. He ponders the relationship between facial features and occupations, but only briefly, for the lady is addressing him now. He states his mission, says he needs an appointment.
"She" riffles through the scheduling book saying "I'm putting females in male slots" which seems somehow wrong to him. "August 8" she says. George thinks about how that is eleven days of bad sleep ahead. He questions whether there might not be a Monday instead. She replies that she hasn't any mondays for months, (How do they schedule these things so far ahead George muses). He sets his cats up for August 8th repairs. And now he must return home. In the stinking, howling, four pet-taxi ferry that used to be his own private favorite ride.
So off they go. He wonders at the volume of Yawll that has not decreased. He notes the calm of Dog and Oreo, whom he hasn't mentioned yet in person, for his comportment was remarkable only for it's unremarkability. And the howling continues all the while.
George begins to get thoughts of violence. He thinks that he will stop and get a very big stick and beat Yawll very, very dead. And flat, very flat into the ground. But the fancy is passing, and the momentary insanity again is passed.
The trip continues and George has time to think with himself. George's introspection is fruitful. He decides he is not yet a too-old dog, for he is still able to learn. He has learned much today. He has learned valuable lessons. They are as follows:
1. "Little" cat problems are bigger than you think.
2. He is still able to learn. This is good.
3. He was naive to think he could just show up. This is not so good.
4. Some cats travel well. This is good. And nice.
5. Some cats don't travel well. This is not so good.
6. He will phone first. If he ever has to do this sort of thing again. This is good.
7. Having to do this sort of thing again is not so good.
8. Cat stink doesn't hang in the car long when the cats are out of it. This is good. (Out of it, the car, not consciousness)
9. George will definitely get rid of Yawll and Fearful. This is good.
10.George can survive very uncomfortable circumstances. This is good.
So George is on the road to happiness and peace at home. There appears hope on the horizon.
No comments:
Post a Comment