fondue

I shall not talk about my son leaving for college today. I shall not talk about being two people or my mom wanting me to promise to keep the butt ugly couch after she's dead. I shall also not talk of today's laundry adventure.

Instead.. let me share with you my lovely evening.. A friend came by.. we had steak and baked potatoes and salad. Lot's of lovely conversation, wine with dinner and chocolate fondue for dessert.

It was a lovely evening. Simple things.. good friends. These are things to appreciate.

I miss my mom. :(

A friend of mine died last week. He had cancer.

I KNEW he was sick. I talked to him in May when he first found out about it. He said he was going to beat it. He said this cancer wasn't going to win. I believed him. I wanted to believe him. It made my life easier if I believed him. People beat cancer all the time these days. I kept telling myself, "I'll call him soon" or "I should send him an e-mail today" but then I never did it - I just kept putting it off.

It used to be when I felt bad I could go to my mom, put my head on her shoulder and share whatever ailed me. More often than not if I were in tears, she would join me. Somehow that helped. If she didn't cry along side me, she offered excellent advise, or on occasion, a swift kick in the backside.

I had avoided telling Mom that my friend passed away - I don't think I even told her he had cancer. She liked him a lot. They were both from Missouri. I never, ever talked with him that he didn't ask about her. I finally told her yesterday because I was making arrangement to go to the funeral. It really didn't register with her. She just shrugged her shoulders.

I'm also ashamed to admit I avoided the funeral today. I wanted to go. I intended to go. I just couldn't.

Gosh I suck.

The History of things

Today my mother became obsessed with sharing the history on everything in the house. She had, had, HAD to tell me where this came from, how old it was, how much it cost, who should get it, who I should hide it from as apparently, she KNEW "they" wanted it bad enough to steal it..

She could not be dissuaded from her monologue. She could not be distracted. I was trying to work on a project for the "exec-staff" that had a 5:00 deadline and she demanded I stop everything and listen to her tell stories about these things. So.. what could I do but listen? She dragged me out of the room we were in - because she didn't want the imaginary people listening and then started telling me her stories. The funny thing is she got so much of it wrong! I'm glad I remember the original stories of these thiings. I've been hearing about them for 50 years (shy of about a week!) I know them pretty well by now.

I gotta P!

It is Dutch tradition to get your initial in milk chocolate in your Christmas stocking.

Peter and I swapped initials after Christmas our first year together. He nibbled away on my "S" while I nibbled on his "P." It was fun. Now, as special treats he gives me chocolate P's. I have been working on one P for about 3 months and it's not done yet. I still have an entire chocolate P left and Christmas is only 4 months away! I better get eating quickly.

Chocolate P's aside, I had a pretty good day today. I went to the office and spent the ENTIRE day there. The first time in over 2 weeks I've left home for more than 2 hours at a time. My mother had a fairly good day today. Apparently her imaginary people have started smelling like stinky old men. She wanted zucchini bread and the best she could call it was "that cake with green stuff" and she was not wearing pants when I came home - and didn't seem at all inclined to put them on when I pointed out their absence. But all things considered it wasn't a bad day at all!

It's Fair Season!

It's fair season and my friends are going to the local fairs. Fairs have neat things like rides and cotton candy and baking contests and.. yes.. they even have GOATS! Saturday I received pictures of goats from my friends that attended fairs. Aren't they cute?? I just wanna squeeze 'em! Do I have the best friends ever or what??

But this brings a good question.. should I take my goats and goat products to the local fair when the time comes? I think that would be way too much work.

I am so very ready to ditch all that is Salem and find a little place to raise goats.
I prefer to think of it as not running away and hiding. It's embracing the future.

Sharon and Sharon's Amazing Adventures

Today Mom was restless and listless and bored. She wanted to do something. This afternoon I bundled her up in the car and we went for a drive. My boss lives way out in the boonies on the other side of a lovely covered bridge. I took mom to see the covered bridge. On the way we saw beautiful scenery, creeks and views and trees and cows, we had to wait while a stray Llama (maybe it was an alpaca) finished wandering around on the road, we had a lovely drive. We even passed the boss (hi Boss!) on her way home from work.

During our lovely drive in the country I found out I'm not me.. I am me.. but I'm also 'me'. The other me. I'm really quite confused.. But it seems that today I have been two people.

The good news is that I'm Sharon.. I'm just Sharon and I'm also the other Sharon.

Mom asked me today If I got along with Sharon. She wondered how Peter could date both of us, and how both of us could willingly "share" Peter. This started to get into very weird and strange territory so I quickly changed the subject.

Imaginary People - Girls on the Road

Today was a big day. My 16 year old "baby" and her friend got on a plane and headed to Florida to spend a week with my brother. They got the cheapest flight we could find.. which meant a horrendous trip which included a 4 hour layover in Seattle and an hour stop in Detroit. We were up at 4:00 a.m. and they are not due to arrive until about 9:00 our time. They were excited when they left though. Last time I spoke with Jill - while she was in Detroit - she wasn't so excited any longer.

The day with my mother wasn't so bad today. She seemed almost normal for awhile.. but quickly reverted back to calling me Susan and asking me how long I'd been married to my brother. Kinda creepy. Not only have I been Susan today but our back yard has been filled with people. Three ladies in the fish pond (one in a black bathing suit), an old man on the other side of the fireplace (that looked naked), People flicking cigarette ashes into the pond, a boy by the hydrangea, and many, many more. My mantra for her today has been, "There is no one there, it is your imagination." She says I'm trying to make her think she's crazy.

Yeah. That's my goal.

Peace and quiet in my house..

The garage sale was a success. YAY! I made a bundle. I intend to buy a new kitchen table. Eventually.

My mother was still agitated this morning, but in a more resigned manner. She realized that the problem was in her head, but to her, the problem was no less real.

At one point I asked her how she was doing and she said she was "doing something." Apparently she was planning on taking herself to the doctor. I talked her out of it, for now. Monday I might help her.

In an effort to calm her, Jill and I put things back to "pre new floor" as much as we could. My brother sent her a letter explaining things to her. She seems comforted and more relaxed.

That makes ME comforted and more relaxed.

Mom has gone to bed - she was awake a long time today. I hope she sleeps through the night.

What to do.. what to do..

I'm in a dilemma. This blog was intended to be about goats and dreams and happy endings. I've found it increasingly difficult to be positive and cheery. It's been a struggle. Things are strange and twisted in the land of goat shop dreams.

Do I blog about the real journey I'm taking.. or do I keep this light and fun and happy, which was my original intention? Since this blog is basically for me, any readers that are here, are here of their own volition and not because they are required to be here. I must be true to myself.

When my father passed away I just happened to be enrolled in a few college courses. (That's probably a surprise to some people...). One of my classes was a writing class. I wrote a paper on the events leading up to, and including my father's death. It was all my emotions poured out on paper. I got an "A". A+ actually. And my instructor read it out loud in class as an example of good work. I had to leave the room. It was too much - that was the bad part - but the writing helped me deal with the whole thing (that and the clover). So.. I think I shall write about what's going on. Writing helps.

Today my mother didn't know me. In the past few days she has thought I was several other people. Alma, Carmela, MaryJane . . . Today was different. Today, she thought I was a threat. Today she was SURE she was in deep legal trouble and I was the root of all evil. Today she did not trust me, she did not know me, she did not believe anything I said because I was "the bad guy." She was sure her children were Jerry and Susan (Jerry's wife) and that I was some interloper here to rip her family apart. She was scared to death and I could not calm her - because I was not trusted. I finally helped her call Jerry and produced birth certificates and marriage licenses. Jerry was able to calm her down with promises of contacting legal counsel. Thank goodness for big brothers.

This was, without a doubt one of the worst experiences of my life. I do not wish for this to ever, EVER happen again.

Self Revelations

I get stressed and I eat.
okay.. that's kind of a "duh" moment.
But I also clean and I toss.
I know!
WHO KNEW??!!

And I want to get rid of everything. I seem to be in the mood to purge. I'm having a garage sale this weekend and if it's not nailed down I'm ready to sell it. I want it GONE. Peter has warned me to be careful, I'm trying..but I just really want it gone.

Jill and I cleaned out the pantry today. We found jars and jars of pickles, 5 containers of oatmeal, Rice Krispies in quantities to feed orphanages, massive quantities of jello and aluminum foil. We also found at least 50 pounds of sugar in assorted tupperware and hidey holes.

Picture this..

Busily combining containers of sugar... our attention momentarily elsewhere... a bucket of sugar sitting neglected on the floor...
A dog curious about the smell and the proceedings.. Yup! A dog nose found it's way into the bucket! She snorted sugar! What a nut! I don't think she liked it as much as she thought she would.. sugar up your nose.. Not so fun.

But very funny!

Laundry

My mother tried doing laundry today.

Have I mentioned she's not well?

But at this point.. either you laugh or you cry. I thought this was funny.

FYI... those are NOT my underwear! Mine are tiny little sexy thongs that fit my size 4 figure perfectly. HAH! but seriously... THESE are not mine.

Goat Cheese - not. :(

My reputation grows with every failure - George Bernard Shaw

There is no failure except in no longer trying - Elbert Hubbard
Remember, no man is a failure who has friends - It's a Wonderful Life
I don't believe in failure. It's not failure if you enjoyed the process.

The beginning of the Goat Cheese Making Process


The middle of the Goat Cheese Making Process (Peter donned his special "camo-danna" for the process)

The END of the Goat Cheese Making Process
As you can see... the end does not look very much different than the beginning. Curdling did not happen. Cheese did not result.

Never fear though! I will try again!

Spa Day

Oh.. no no.. Not a spa day for ME.. For the pets. My daughter and I are hanging out waiting for Peter to show up (he wont' be here until nearly 2:00 I think...)

Jill decided it was time to trim nails and give baths.

It was even bath time for pigs. This is Pig. aka Larry, but Pig fits him better. Say "hi" pig!

Weekend!

I know it's Thursday.. but I don't work Friday's so it's... WEEKEND!

I've been working Peter pretty hard on the flooring when he's been coming down to visit. Plus he's having to do all the traveling these days so I think our weekend plans are going to be pretty laid back.

I was thinking of finding a goat milk supplier and trying my hand at goat cheese. I'm CERTAIN Peter would love to help with the goat cheese making process. I'm POSITIVE he'll look adorable in an apron. I KNOW he'd really dig the experience.

(I'll be sure to take pictures!)

But Friday, tomorrow, I shall continue organizing and sorting for the upcoming garage sale. That's an absolute must!

Have a great weekend!

dinner anyone?

It's not funny anymore. It's not fun in any way. Its scarey.

My mother tried to cook dinner (despite me telling her not to this morning..)

She fell asleep? She spaced out? She forgot? Whatever it was, when I came home from work smoke had filled the house. The pan on the stove was billowing (yes.. billowing!) smoke. She greeted me without a concern in the world when I walked in. She didn't understand why I was in such a panic. Thank GOODNESS I didn't stop for groceries on the way home. I almost did. I don't know why the smoke detectors didn't go off. I shall remedy that before I go to bed.

Starting NOW I shall shut the power off to the stove at the circuit breaker.

Also... starting NOW.. I have to go try and figure out how to clean this pan. Especially since this is the pan that Peter gave me for Valentine's Day. (He's really big on cooking in things that won't rot your brain cells... and he seems to LIKE my brain cells.)

Tupperware intervention

It was cruel. My mother loves her tupperware. But a couple things are going on in my house. The new floor required we move a bunch of stuff into the garage which now has to be put back and my son moved out this past week.

I'm trying to make sense out of my chaotic household. I'm trying to minimize and organize and fantasize. I began my mission with the tupperware. I took most (not all) of the tupperware in cupboards around the house and put it in a pile. She has many pieces still in her room and there are gazillions of containers still filled with cereal and crackers and pasta and... I brought my mother out to the pile of plastic so she could have input into what we kept and what we didn't. She wants it all of course. By the end of the discussion she conceded to selling one piece in our garage sale.

I suppose that's progress.